


Falling Through Words

by raydorfan13



Category: Major Crimes (TV), The Closer
Genre: F/F, F/M, Letters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 8,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29912844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raydorfan13/pseuds/raydorfan13
Summary: The night Brenda left the LAPD, she left a letter for Sharon on her desk. Sharon emailed her in response. It was the start of their correspondence and the start of everything.
Relationships: Brenda Leigh Johnson/Sharon Raydor, Fritz Howard/Brenda Leigh Johnson
Comments: 12
Kudos: 20





	1. Letter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing. I just had to write this.

Dear Sharon, 

Of all the things there are to say, the most important thing I can think of is THANK YOU! You went above and beyond during the lawsuit. You protected me the best that you could, which is more than I can say for so many other people. I honestly don’t know if I could have made it through without you. Although I didn’t acknowledge it until much too late, your unwavering support was the only beacon of hope I could see sometimes. 

Now don’t get a big head, Captain. You were plenty annoying too; which I’m almost convinced you did on purpose most of the time. But the days I didn’t see you, the days you didn’t follow me around to my crime scene, or haunt my murder room, those are the days that I felt the most lost and alone. No one else understood the pressure, not even Fritz. He couldn’t just let me be who I am. You though, you figured out how to let me be me and still make sure I didn’t ruin everything. I’m never going to forget the way you told Pope off about the deal Goldman offered. You’re an incredible woman, Sharon Raydor. Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently. 

I’m just sorry I was never brave enough to tell you all of this in person. 

I will miss you. 

Brenda Leigh Johnson


	2. Letter 2

Brenda Leigh, 

You are leaving me with a mess. The mess I can handle, you leaving I cannot. The past two years here with you have been both a blessing and a curse. We have gone from mortal enemies to somewhere right on the edge of friends, but there’s a tension in there that I dare not put a name to for both of our sakes. 

I have tried with all my might to save you from yourself, but tonight as I write this letter to you, I realize you didn’t need to be saved. You always had a direction even if no one else saw it. You were fearless and passionate in your pursuits. You led a division that would go to the ends of the Earth for you because they respect and love you. As I move forward without you here, I will try to remember to put forth that amount of energy and dedication into my life and leadership. 

You are a wonderful woman and despite all of the recent events and all of the people that have wronged you, know that I tried my best to keep all of it from happening not because it was my job, but because I wanted to do it for you. I want you to know that you will be missed, if by no one else than by me. If you need a shoulder, I will be that shoulder. If you want a friend, I will be that friend. If you ever want, I will give.

Always, 

Your Captain Raydor


	3. Letter 3

Sharon, 

Part of me has to question your sanity when you say things like that about me, but the other part prays that you really do mean it. I know you are more than capable of handling any mess anyone throws your way. 

You’re going to be an amazing head of Major Crimes, better than I ever was. Provenza is going to struggle but give him a little control over something and he’ll find his way. Sanchez is a bulldog, let him chase the bulls, but remind him now and again he’s on a leash. Tao is a good man and a good Lieutenant. He’s not going to be a problem for you. Just be sure to write in a little money to your budget for Kahlua if you want him to get you those lab results quicker. Buzz is easy to overlook sometimes, but he’s very special, with a lot of talents. I should’ve tapped into those talents more but maybe you can be better to him than I was. Lastly, Flynn. I can’t tell you how to win him over. You know how that went for me…but I’m sure you’ll manage. Realistically, you probably don’t even want or need my opinions, but you know me…I’m so opinionated and difficult. 

I am back in Atlanta with Daddy, trying to get everything settled here. I miss Mama so much it gives me physical pains, but I’m trying to be strong for him. Fritz didn’t make the trip back out here, which I’m sure you know since he’s hanging around the PAB. I feel like a duck on a pond…cool and calm on the surface but under the water I’m kicking a million miles an hour. I’m just trying to stay afloat. Will I ever be able to breathe deep again?

Thinking of you, 

Brenda Leigh


	4. Letter 4

Brenda, 

I mourn for you and what you are having to go through. You will be able to breathe again, unfortunately it will take time. You should take all the time you need, but Brenda Leigh you aren’t alone. I am here for you. You say the word and I’m on a plane. I mean it. I’m not sure why Fritz didn’t go with you. I know you always found it hard to ask for help, but honey, now more than ever if you need something, you’re going to have to speak up. You need support so you can be strong for your father and your family.

Your duck reference hits a little close to home for me too right now. Stepping into your shoes has me treading water and I’m worried the water is too deep. All I know for sure right now is we both have to hold our heads up and we have to fight. Will you fight with me?

I miss you too, 

Sharon


	5. Letter 5

Captain Raydor, 

Fighting is exhausting. I want to sleep for three days, but I’ve been doing like you said this week. I’m still above the surface. Are you?

I’m coming back to LA next week. Fritz says that it’s time, but I’m not sure…he’s not here, he only knows what I’ve told him. Which is pretty much nothing. I don’t know if the DA’s office is the right fit for me. Maybe I should look for something out here. I’m just still feeling lost right now. Perhaps a regular routine will help. 

Sharon, your shoes are much nicer than mine. Don’t try to fill mine. You do what you’ve always done and forge your own path. Don’t forget to let your hair down sometimes though. 

I’m sorry I’m running out of words today. There’s a lot I want to say, but I’m just not ready yet. I need to sleep first. 

Stay strong, 

Brenda


	6. Letter 6

Brenda Leigh, 

Please come back to LA. The thought of you staying across the country forever seems unbearable and wrong. You never have to apologize to me for needing time, but when you do get ready, I’m here ok? 

Things are changing here. Rusty is living with me. I’m trying to find his mom, and it’s causing some tension between us. I have faith we will find a way through though. He’s smarter than he gives himself credit for. In a way, he reminds me of you. It’s been a challenge, but he’s worth it. So are you. I just find myself asking am I too old for this? My own kids are grown, and here I am taking in a teenager…

Will you let me know when you get back to LA? I know you don’t think the DA’s office feels right yet but give it a chance. If nothing else, it will be a great stepping stone until you find something else you might like. Andrea says everyone is really looking forward to working with you. Personally, I draw comfort from knowing someone competent and with your skills will be heading things over there. 

Still here, 

Sharon


	7. Letter 7

Sharon, 

I’m back in LA. I have been for two days. I start my new job tomorrow. Tonight, I find myself on the couch. My bed feels stifling. There’s pressure in that room from Fritz that I’m just not ready to take on. He wants what he’s always wanted from me and I’ve never been able to give it to him. I’m not sure I can give it to him. Why is it so hard for people to accept me for me? Things are still moving in the world and I’m just beginning to learn to walk without my Mama. I’m an adult, but it feels like a whole new world that I have to navigate without the security of her behind me every step of the way. Her and daddy never approved of all of my choices, but they did stand behind them and me. It’s strange, but I feel less courageous now or something. I’m still figuring it out. 

I’m so glad that you took Rusty in. I don’t know if it would help or hurt him, you would know better than me, but if you think it’s a good idea, let him know I’ve been thinking of him. If there is anything on my end I can do to help you track down his Mama let me know. I mean it. I want to be there for y’all like you have been there for me. Sharon, I know I talk a lot about myself. Fritz says that’s all I ever talk about, but I do care for you. I want to be your support too if you will let me or want me to be. I can be here for you. K? You are NOT too old for anything! I don’t want Rusty to think I abandoned him, but in a sense for the past month or so I have abandoned everyone and everything. I don’t want to regret not reaching back out to him. Only if it will help him though. This isn’t a selfish act on my part, please understand that. 

I was supposed to tell you like a week ago that Daddy told me to tell you the flowers you sent are still alive and very beautiful. Mama would have loved them. He sends his love and I already told him you send yours. 

It’s after two in the morning. I should try to at least sleep a bit since I have work tomorrow…

Good night, 

Brenda Leigh


	8. Letter 8

Chief Investigator Brenda Leigh Johnson, 

The title does have a nice ring to it. I hope that you are starting to settle in and are finding a rhythm in your office. The only way I know how to learn to live with or without something is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and pushing through. Sometimes it works, other times it’s a struggle. I hope the former is true for you thus far. I do send my love to Clay and to the rest of your family. Thank you for passing along his message. 

I want to apologize that it has been a few weeks since I have written. Quite a bit has been going on here. We found Rusty’s mom, but she took the money we had gathered for a bus ticket to bring her back to LA and she ran. Rusty was devastated, but he is finally settling into school. She abandoned him again and my heart aches for him. Then, we were blindsided by DCFS finding Rusty’s father. We thought he was dead. Just goes to show how much of a liar Rusty’s mom really is. Currently, we are in the process of meeting him and Rusty getting to know him. Honestly, I do not like this man. Daniel is his name. I have a bad feeling that I can’t shake, but I’m trying to be supportive. I don’t want to push Rusty too far for fear he will think that I am just trying to get rid of him, but on the other hand, I feel unsure that pulling him closer is the right decision either. Even though that’s exactly what I want to do. This boy has been used and abused and I want him to feel as though he now has the ability to make his own decisions. It’s a very delicate and exhausting balance. 

Are things better with Agent Howard? I worry that I’m crossing a line by asking, but Brenda I worry more about you than I probably should. Last time you wrote, you said that he wanted something you could not give, that he just couldn’t see you for who you are. You don’t have to give me details, I just need to know that you are ok. That you are safe. 

Always, 

Your Captain Raydor


	9. Letter 9

Sharon, 

I’ve taken a little bit to respond because I wasn’t sure how or what to say. I guess let me start with the easy part. What in the hell is wrong with that woman that she keeps doing that to Rusty? I just don’t understand. If you have a feeling about this Daniel guy, then trust it Sharon. There’s no one’s judgement I would trust over yours. Do you want me to dig into him? I know you can’t legally, and since you are the rule book…Send me his last name. In the meantime, you do what you need to do to protect yourself and Rusty. That’s what is important. Don’t tackle it alone. You’ve got me and you’ve got a division full of the best detectives in the world. Utilize your resources.

Now for the hard part… 

How do I tell you what I need to tell you? 

Things with Fritz and I aren’t good. They haven’t been for a while which I know you know. You’re too intelligent to not have put the pieces together. Since I left the LAPD, Fritz thought that meant we would finally “start a family”. I told him that’s not really an option for me, but he said we can adopt or foster. He wants us to move out to the suburbs or maybe to a different state even. He has this whole idea of a white picket fence or a perfect little storybook life…I just don’t see that for myself, for us. It’s not that I don’t like kids. I just…can’t. I can barely take care of myself right now. No one in their right mind should trust me with the kind of responsibility a child is and deserves right now. Not in the state I’m in. 

I know, I know. It’s been months! I need to get it together and move on. He tells me that all the time. It’s not really even about Mama anymore though. It’s about me. I’m not happy Sharon. I look at my life and it’s like I’m just watching from the outside, waiting for someone to see me…to understand. Fritz only sees that I left my shoes in the living room, a coffee cup on the counter, I haven’t done laundry or picked up the dry cleaning, I don’t pay him enough attention or hang on his every word. It sets him off quicker than anything lately. He thinks I’m too messy, that I just expect him to do everything, that I’m selfish. But if he thinks I’m messy, what’s he going to think when a kid leaves toys laying around or something? Kids take time and attention. I would have even less time for Fritz than I do now…

He got so mad yesterday that after the fact, I realized I had actually gotten a little scared. Of course, he had stormed out “to go to a meeting”, but once he was gone, I realized I was shaking. That’s never happened before. I spent last night on the couch at my office because I didn’t want to go home. He called about a million times until I finally shut my phone off. The security guard at work said he came by, but Billy had my back and said that I wasn’t there. I should buy Billy a present. What kind of gift do you buy a man that sends your husband away when you don’t want to see them? 

To answer your questions though, I am not fine or ok or good or great, or any of the normal things we say to each other. And I would never admit that to anyone but you, you know that. I am…worried. Worried I’ve ruined another marriage, ruined my career, and if I’m completely honest worried that somewhere along the way maybe I lost a little of who I am. Am I safe? I want to say yes because Fritz has never been violent with me before, but he’s told me how he used to be when he was drinking. It wasn’t a pretty picture he painted. I worry that he will start drinking again because of me. You and I have both seen how even the best of people can snap though. So, yes, for now I am safe. But are we ever really 100% safe?

I want so bad to delete this whole email and start over, but I’m not going to do it because I trust you Sharon. You are too important to me to start lying to you about this…about me. You said you were worried about crossing a line. There are no lines for you to cross with me, ok? Every line we’ve ever drawn for each other has always been crossed or erased one way or another. So, no more lines with me to worry about. 

Talk soon, 

BLJ


	10. Letter 10

Brenda Leigh, 

Honey, I see you, ok? I understand you. I know you. Please know that. If you are still waiting for that person, Brenda, I am right here. If you still feel like you are standing on the outside of your life looking in, there has to be a way for you to get back in. Something you can change or take control of again to find that strength that I know is in you. You are Brenda Leigh Johnson. I have seen you stare down the barrel of a gun and not even flinch. I have seen you crack the toughest of the tough. I have watched you handle impossible situation after impossible situation. This year has been especially tough on you, but Brenda you’re still here. You can do this!

I understand more about the way you are feeling in your marriage than you probably know, but I won’t say it’s exactly the same. My husband, Jack, was/is an alcoholic. Our marriage became very turbulent until I finally took the kids and left. I’m not saying that you should leave or that you should stay, but I want you to know that I can empathize with your situation. Because I do know, I want to offer you something in case one day you need it. My home is always open to you. If you need a safe space, you can come here with no questions asked and no judgement. If that day comes, we will figure it out together. But I need you to know that if you need a place to run to it is here and always available.

You have ruined nothing. Your career path is different now, but you’ve still got options. If you want to leave the DA’s office, I can think of at least five places off the top of my head that would snatch you up in a heartbeat. It takes two people to make and keep a marriage. If it is over, then that’s not just on you. Fritz played his part too. There’s counseling and ways to reconnect too if you want to go that route. You have not ruined anything, plus there’s always a way to fix things. Sometimes you just have to get creative, and since I know you, I know you are very good at thinking outside of the box. 

Thank you for trusting me Brenda. You have my number if you want/need to call me. Remember that. Until then, I’m still here offering my support. 

Worried about you, 

Sharon


	11. Letter 11

Sharon, 

Today Rusty told me what happened a couple of weeks ago! Why didn’t you tell me? Is he really ok? Healing ok? I wanted to drive over there and shoot that Daniel character myself when I heard! I am sure you did too. I think you handled it well though. Better than I would have, but you always handle things better than me. I still wish he was rotting in a jail cell somewhere, but I can see why you did it the way you did. You are an amazing woman Captain Raydor. I am so glad Rusty will be staying with you for the foreseeable future. 

I want to thank you for the offer you made me. It means more than you know. Were you a cheerleader in school? Because you give some pretty good pep talks. Just saying. 

I’m going to Atlanta tomorrow. Daddy’s birthday is this weekend. It will be his first since Mama died. I want to be there for him. I’m going alone. Jimmy and Frank are coming down from New York too. Jimmy is my brother and Frank is his husband. Or as Daddy says, “his roommate”. I’m actually excited to be going home this time. What’s that say about me? I’m sure Daddy will ask after you. He really likes you; I don’t know what you did that Christmas to make such an impression, but you sure as heck did. 

I’ve got to go pack and Fritz is going to be home soon, so I gotta get going. But one last thing, Billy, my security guard at work, thanked me for the Dodger’s tickets. I didn’t send him any…so I know that was you. I was half-joking when I made that comment but thank you anyway. It was very sweet of you. 

Bye for now, 

Brenda


	12. Letter 12

Brenda, 

I am still fuming, even now weeks later, over what happened with Rusty and Daniel. I didn’t know how to tell you…I feel as though I failed him. I sent him into harm’s way and he got injured. I’m supposed to protect him. I knew something was off with that man, and I didn’t fight the case worker harder about the visits. I know it isn’t exclusively my fault, but I still feel the weight on my shoulders about it. Rusty does not blame me. In fact, this whole situation has brought us closer. Maybe this was a blessing disguised in a very ugly and hurtful costume? I did however make an “anonymous” complaint to DCFS regarding Daniel because there are two young children living in that house with him. I couldn’t in good conscience let that continue without there being some sort of investigation. I have no way of checking up on it, but it made me feel slightly better. 

I hope your visit home is going well. I think it’s a good thing that you were excited about making the trip. I haven’t heard you excited about something in a long while. To me it says maybe you are finding yourself again. Please wish Clay a happy birthday for me! I want to hear all about your trip when you get back. 

I’m glad Billy liked the tickets. He deserved them after what he did. I am thankful he was and continues to be there for you. 

Tonight, Rusty asked me if some time we could all three have dinner? It sounds as though you guys text sometimes, and it’s a big deal for him to be inviting you a little bit further into his life. I’m not trying to guilt you into dinner, just giving you the facts. I would love to have dinner with you, but for the almost six months we have been corresponding with these emails, you’ve never mentioned meeting up. And that is ok. I love the intimacy this format provides us and the openness we can have with each other. I treasure these messages. It’s possible we could translate that into a face-to-face relationship. Only when you are ready though. Until then, just know the invitation is on the table from both me and Rusty. 

Enjoy Atlanta, 

Sharon


	13. Letter 13

Sharon, 

Please do not feel guilty for what happened to Rusty. That is not on you. You did and continue to do everything you can for that boy. I know you love him as though he is your own. He knows you just wanted to protect him and that you always want what is best for him. Trust me, he does know. You are not a failure in any way! You’re the strongest, most competent, caring person I know. Not to mention extremely intelligent. It wasn’t your fault, don’t blame yourself. I can’t talk long tonight, but I just needed you to know that. I’m not as good of a cheerleader as you are, but my words are honest and sincere. 

Stay strong, 

BLJ


	14. Letter 14

Brenda, 

I think I saw you today. Were you wearing a blue dress? I only saw you for a moment and before I could call out, you disappeared into an office at the courthouse. You look thin Brenda Leigh. Too thin. You’ve always been small, but this seemed as though you haven’t been eating. One thing everyone knows about you is that you love food, especially chocolate. Has something happened? Your last email was over a week ago, short, and didn’t give many details, just very kind words. Thank you by the way. It helps to hear it from someone you trust. Even makes me begin to believe it. But if that really was you today, I’m concerned about you. 

I’ve had an especially bad day and all I want to do is go home and drink several glasses of wine. Instead, I am in the office finishing up the paperwork that Taylor insists be on his desk in the morning. That man. Sometimes I wonder if he’s more of an asshole than Pope was and then I remember the hell Pope put us both through. It’s going to take something colossal on Taylor’s part to top that. If you are home tonight, have a glass for me, since it will be too late to drink after I get home. For my own sanity, I stopped working and started writing to you. I know it is procrastination, but who cares? If I didn’t love my job, I would tell Taylor exactly where he can go. I’m kidding…sort of. 

Hoping tomorrow is a better day, 

Sharon


	15. Letter 15

Brenda Leigh? 

It’s been over a month since I have heard from you. I called your office today, but your assistant said you weren’t in. She wouldn’t tell me where you were or when you would be back, and your cell went straight to voicemail. If you no longer wish to speak, I will be heartbroken, but I will understand. Just let me know that you are ok please. I need to know you are ok. 

Worried about you, 

Sharon


	16. Letter 16

Sharon, 

I am sorry to have worried you. I’m fine. I don’t want to stop talking to you. I don’t think my heart or my mind could take the torture of never speaking to you again. I was out of town working on a project that I can’t really talk about. I wanted to write to you and tell you that I would be out of touch for a couple of weeks, but when I sat down to tell you, I got a call from Charlie, my niece, and forgot to email you until it was too late. I was already on the plane before I thought about it again and by then I couldn’t because I had to surrender my cell phone. It’s a long story and several NDA’s are involved. Please forgive me? I promise you I will never just walk away from what we have. I swear. It is nice to know that if I did just disappear someone would look for me though. 

That probably was me at the courthouse that day. I didn’t see you though. I’ll plead the fifth on whether or not I was eating around that time. Don’t worry I’m eating now. For dinner I had a chicken fried steak and a piece of chocolate cake. Both were delicious. 

I feel bad that I was not there when you were having such a bad day. Hopefully things are going better for you. Taylor can shove it up his ass for making you work late on a day like you had. You want me to beat him up? Maybe slash his tires? I will, you just give me the word. : ) Tell me that at least made you smile a little bit. 

How’s Rusty? Rios brought me up to speed on the letter situation. I should have killed Stroh when I had the chance. I mean it. I’m sorry I didn’t. And I’m never going to feel guilty about admitting that to you. If I could take his place as the star witness in this trial I would. We don’t have to talk about that though, unless you want to. In case you need to vent to someone that understands the situation, I’m here. 

Since I’ve been gone a month and can’t tell you about my life. Tell me about yours. I’ve missed you more than I probably should and I’m only slightly embarrassed to say that out loud.

You can’t get rid of me, 

Brenda Leigh Johnson


	17. Letter 17

Brenda, 

I am so relieved to hear from you. Everyone I asked about you was acting so secretive, and I just couldn’t understand what was going on. Yes, next time, please give me a heads up. I have all of these emotions and feelings going through me right now about you, the trial, the letters, Rusty, my job, that I am barely managing. I feel as though I’m going to burst or break with the next bit of news. I’m hanging on just by a thread. 

I’ve put a protection detail on Rusty which he hates and keeps trying to evade. He no longer gets to read the letters because of the state of anxiety they put him and me in. Me on the other hand, I have read them a million and one times looking for something, anything that will help me figure out who this maniac is. Stroh is on complete lockdown, but somehow, he is still managing to get his message out. The letters are no longer addressed to Rusty either. They are addressed to me. Which makes me wonder if I’ve got a leak? How would the letter writer know that Rusty doesn’t get to read the letters anymore? Or maybe he just changed tactics because he wasn’t getting the results he wanted. If that’s the case the letters aren’t going to make me send Rusty away. I’m never going to let that boy go. And Rios and Taylor and everyone else can just get the idea out of their heads because he isn’t going anywhere. 

Brenda while you were away, I realized that you are such an integral part of my support system and my inner circle that I can’t even imagine my life without you in it. We haven’t seen each other in a year, and yet, I can see you so vividly in my mind. When I read your emails, I can hear your voice, even your accent. I think about you every single day. Sometimes you are in my dreams. I don’t know what this means exactly other than I feel like I need you in my life. You said I can’t get rid of you but believe me when I say, I have pushed away so many people in my life. My husband, other mom’s from my children’s schools, fellow officers, all the people I’ve ever dated, my best friend for over 5 years. Please don’t let me do that to you. I’m not good with friends or lovers. Apparently, I’m only good with my kids and the criminals I hunt down. So, this is my plea to you, don’t let me push you away. Even though you already promised you aren’t going anywhere, I need you to know I’m feeling so unsure in my life that I don’t think I could handle it if you left too. 

Hanging on, 

Sharon


	18. Letter 18

Sharon, 

I promise you, I cross my heart, I swear on my Mama’s grave I will be here for you as long as I can be. I’m pretty good about not taking no for an answer. So, when you start to push me away, don’t worry I’ll push my way back in. I give you my word. It pains me to hear you in such a state of turmoil Sharon. What can I do? How can I help? I know you’ve got more on your plate than normal, but if there is anyone in this world that can find a balance and find their way through, I know it is you. 

I also know you aren’t going to want to hear this, but if the letter writer has changed his focus to you, that could be a bigger problem. I’m sure you’ve thought about that too, but have you thought about the consequences? Really thought about them? He’s getting to know y’all on a personal level, becoming more intimate with the situations you put yourselves in. I’m not a profiler, but I know people. This operation that I hear Rusty is so eager to be a part of is dangerous. It leaves too many openings away from the “target area”. 

This man has gotten to know you. Has gotten to know Rusty. He has watched and waited to see how y’all would react. He keeps his letters generic, but I’ve read them Sharon. There’s just enough detail in there for me to know that he doesn’t just write these letters and never come out of his house. He may not have the time to watch you 24/7 but he’s been watching. He’s going to strike away from the park. It’s going to be somewhere you and Rusty feel safe because that is where your guard is down the most. 

I’m not telling you this to rile you up or to hurt you. I’m just going by what I read in the situation. I’ve spent years reading people, expressions, tones, word choice. This is what I’m reading from your situation. I know you’ve got the FBI involved and SOB is running the operation. I’m just little ol’ me trying to help out my best friend because I don’t know what else to do Sharon, I don’t know how else to help. 

Be safe out there, 

Brenda


	19. Letter 19

Brenda, 

You were right. I know you’ve heard. You called me that night and I couldn’t answer and now it’s almost two in the morning and too late to return your call. He got to Rusty in our own building. A place we felt safe. You are a woman that never ceases to amaze me. I’m just glad I was home and could get there as quick as I did. 

I can still hear Rusty’s screams for help echoing around in my head. It’s going to take time to settle back down, but he’s safe for now. I just have to remind myself of that. Wade Weller is dead and Rusty is safe. 

My body feels fatigued. It’s like now that I know the threat has been eliminated, I can stop holding myself so tight. I can unclench. Relax just a little. The constant stress has really done a number on me and I know it. As much as I try to hide it, I know it. 

I’m going to try to get some sleep. Actual sleep where I’m not practically sleeping with one eye open and my gun on my chest. 

Good night, 

Sharon


	20. Letter 20

Sharon, 

Holy hell! I don’t know what else to say. You saved him. Thank God! I did call, but I knew you would be all sorts of busy with wrapping things up and taking care of Rusty. I just wanted you to know I am here for you and that you had the option to call me back. You can call anytime, even at two in the morning. I do hope you got some good sleep though. You should take a few days off, I think you deserve it. 

Daddy called me today and said that he thinks he wants to spend Thanksgiving with me this year. I know it’s going to be hard on him not having Mama around to do all the cooking and planning of the big meal. My brothers thought we should all go home and try to do it all, but I told them I’m not cooking so that put a quash on that real quick. I don’t cook like Mama did. And even if I did, I don’t think I would want to go home and try to fill her shoes on holidays. It doesn’t seem like something I would ever do…so why the heck did they think I would? Anyway, I guess my penance is to have Daddy out here for a week. Feel free to come by and kidnap me… Maybe he will change his mind when it gets closer. 

I’m going to be gone a few days next week, but I’ll have my phone and computer this time. Just wanted you to know I’ll be traveling. I’m going to DC, but it’s just a quick trip for work. Maybe when I get back, we can have that dinner you talked about before? Only if y’all are feeling up to it with everything that’s been going on. 

I can’t quit yawning, 

Brenda


	21. Letter 21

Brenda Leigh, 

We would love to have dinner with you. Just let me know when you are back in town and we will set something up. I did take a day off like you suggested. I used it to catch up on all the things around the house that I had been slacking off on. The good news though is that the laundry is caught up and the floors have never looked better. Rusty watched me with mild amusement that quickly faded when I told him if he was just going to watch me clean then he could dust and vacuum the curtains. He made a swift exit to his room. Teenagers. 

I am being summoned to Pope’s office on Monday morning. I haven’t seen that man in person in almost a year, even when I made several requests, but now I get the pleasure when I don’t even want it. I don’t know exactly why he wants to see me, and his assistant didn’t give me any details. I figure it is either about Wade Weller or Stroh. That’s the only high enough profile thing that would probably catch his attention these days. The mayor is up for reelection and I’m sure Pope wants to spin this as some sort of success for himself. I’ll let you know what he says. 

We are the on-call division for Thanksgiving this year. How Taylor thinks that makes any sense is beyond me, but it really puts a damper on holiday plans for everyone. It might need to be the other way around on the kidnapping. You and Clay might need to come save me from a mountain of paperwork and boredom. It would be nice, if our schedules allow, to see your father again.

Rusty just showed me a picture you sent him of your cat. How in the world did he manage to get up on top of the curtain rod like that? Now, he’s singing some sort of spider-cat song that clearly, I do not understand judging by the look on his face. 

Enjoy your trip, 

Sharon


	22. Letter 22

Sharon, 

Sitting here in my hotel room, I find myself feeling nostalgic tonight. Not about the life I had here in DC which is what you would think, but my nostalgia is for my life a few years ago. The time when I felt like I was DOING something. I was catching bad guys...getting confessions. A time when you and I were figuring each other out. When we fought, when we worked together, when we realized friendship was just out of reach. I could have done better by you. We both know that. We could have been better to each other back then, but would we be where we are today if we hadn’t pushed and tested each other back then? We’ll never know…

There are things I wish I could go back and change though… 

I know I’ve said this to you before, but it makes me wonder what in the hell I am doing living the life I am now. I feel like a drone. I look out on the city lights from my hotel room and I wonder, not for the first time, how long I can continue the way that I am. Sharon, I need more. I need to feel as though I am making a difference, I need purpose. I need to be happy. I need to be able to go home and not feel as though it’s just one more place that I feel tortured. I need to feel loved. Not the love Fritz has for me. His love comes with expectations, conditions and stipulations. 

It’s not burn out, and it’s not sadness anymore. I’m unfulfilled. Every which way I look at my life now just makes me feel emptier and emptier. The only thing that brings me any kind of joy or honestly any feeling at all are these emails and when I speak to Rusty. Of course my Daddy too, but that’s different.

You are still, even after all this time, my only lifeline and connection to feeling. The feelings you evoke now are different, but still...I don’t even know if I’m saying any of this right. If anyone can figure out what I’m saying these days it’s you. Actually, that’s what I’m trying to say. Back then, you were the only one that really understood and/or gave a damn about what was going to happen to me or what I was going through, and now in the present that’s still true.

Sorry...I’m rambling on tonight about me and my thoughts that don’t even make sense in my head or on paper. Let me know how the meeting with Pope went. From the reports I got, they are giving Major Crimes some sort of award. Was that all he wanted, or was there some behind the scenes action too? He really is trying to make himself look good for the election sounds like to me. You called it. 

I fly back tomorrow, 

BLJ


	23. Letter 23

Brenda Leigh, 

What can I do? Hearing you speak this way makes my heart ache. I want to help, but honestly, I don’t know what to do. Can we meet? It doesn’t have to be dinner with Rusty or drinks or anything that formal. Ten minutes in the parking garage before you go home or a few minutes in your office. I will come to you. I need to see you. 

You’re right, we could have been better to each other back then, but we are being better to each other now. All of those things led us to this point. I care for you Brenda. It’s something set down deep inside of me now. It’s a feeling that I don’t think I will ever be able to get rid of nor would I want to. I’m never going to regret saying this Brenda. Honey, you want to be loved. I love you. I will love you however you will let me. 

I’ve called you twice. Please write to me or call me back. Day or night I am here. 

You are loved, 

Your Captain Raydor


	24. Letter 24

Sharon, I’m in the parking garage, leaning on your car. I’ve got half an hour. If you can come.

I’ll be waiting, 

Brenda


	25. Letter 25

Sharon, 

You were partially right. It wasn’t just you that needed to see me, I needed to see you too. Standing there in your arms was the most at ease I have felt in many, many months. I’m only sorry that our time got cut short by that call I had to take. Even though we didn’t say much it felt like we did. Everyone always says actions speak louder than words and that couldn’t have been more true today. 

I gave my notice when I got back to the office. Andrea has already called and tried to talk me out of it, but I’m not going to change my mind. Fritz is furious. He slammed the door so hard the glass cracked on one of the window panes. After you said you would support whatever decision I made, it didn’t matter what anyone else had to say. Knowing I have your support and love was enough. Guess that is a problem all on it’s own, but it’s a problem for another day. I’m not sure if Fritz will come home tonight, but it doesn’t matter. I'm about to walk out the door to go to a hotel. I’ve already packed, I just paused long enough to send this. I don’t want to be here when he comes home. He and I can talk tomorrow or the next day or never. I have no idea what I am going to do, but these two decisions feel right. Thank you, Sharon, for helping me...for giving me the strength to make the leap. I’ve never quit a job without already having another one in place, but just thinking about finishing out the next two weeks is enough to make me want to scream. I can’t imagine what staying any longer would have made me feel. I think I was literally at a breaking point. 

You said this case you are working on has been pretty rough. If you need to talk or vent or cry you know I’m here. You don’t have to give the specifics, but just know I’m here for your support too. At the very least, go home and hug Rusty. I know that will make you feel better. By the way, I’m coming to that award ceremony next week, maybe the three of us (me, you, Rusty) can finally get that dinner afterwards. 

Very grateful to have you in my life, 

Brenda


	26. Letter 26

Brenda, 

I need you. Brenda Leigh, don’t go stay in the hotel. Come stay with me. Be with me. Choose me. I love you. I’m in love with you. I want to hold you in my arms for more than 15 minutes in a parking garage. I want to know that you are safe. That you are here with me and that you aren’t going anywhere. Whatever comes next we will face it together. 

Answer your phone please, 

Sharon


	27. Letter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one :) Thanks for reading!

Sharon O’Dwyer Raydor, 

You are asleep beside me as I write this. What a year we have had. I wouldn’t change a thing. The year we spent before that…the emails, the words, the truths. I wouldn’t trade those either. They are what made me fall in love with you. They made you fall in love with me. 

Maybe it was always destined to be this way. Either way, we are here now. 

You are going to read this letter and laugh at me and call me mushy. But Sharon, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. You light up my world. I will never be able to find the words to properly tell you how beautiful, how marvelous, how truly amazing you are. I’m just going to keep telling you with my actions and with my tongue : ) 

Tomorrow my divorce is final. Fritz fought harder because of you, but you know I would have given my right kidney for it to have all been over and us able to move on sooner. Next month, we move into our new house. Our next chapter is starting and for the first time in my life I’m ready to jump with both feet because I know you are there beside me. You will catch me if I fall and I promise I will catch you too. 

With all the love I have to give, 

Brenda Leigh


End file.
